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Life Books
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Adoption
Why make a Life Book?
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
Children enjoy looking at photos
of themself and they enjoy looking through their own baby book. For adopted
children it is important that children have as much information about their own
history as possible. Having this information can help children to build their
self-esteem and it allows the child a way to share their own history with other
people. A Life Book can help your child work through conflicting or confusing
thoughts about his/her identity, about fantasy or magical thinking, strong
emotions to do with early-life events, where she/he came from, understanding
his/her connections to about the past/present/future, can help your child to
work through any separation problems and help with trust for adults and with
attachment.
Starting your child's Life Book
Before you start
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
Do not think that your child's Life Book needs to be a beautifully presented and 'perfect' book.
The Life Book needs to be something that your child can look at whenever she/he wants to, show to other people, and the book will more than likely become dog-eared and well used.
The Life Book does not need to be long - it can be as short as only a few pages.
The only
way you can go wrong with your child's Life Book is not to
start!
Begin with your child's birth
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
In your child's Life Book...
- Mention
his/her birth mother and birth father - if you know nothing, then write that
you know nothing - this at least gives your child the message that the topic
of his/her birth parents is an open (not a closed) topic.
- Give
information about where/when your child was born. If you don't know -
then say that you don't know. If she/he was abandoned then write anything
you know about him/her being found, if possible include photos of the place
where she/he was found. If you can talk to the police officer or someone
involved in him/her being found - write down what was said. If you
believe that 'some' of the information should be kept until your child is
older - tell your child a version suitable to his/her age and keep the full
information in a separate folder.
- If you
do know when/where your child was born - include any information you know -
for example, the name and/or a photo of the hospital, how much she/he weighed,
how long she/he was, if she/he was born on Monday/Tuesday/etc. Include a
baby picture if you have one (keep the original in a safe place). If
there were health problems when your child was born - include this information
as well.
- Discuss
the reasons why your child was separated from his/her biological
family. If you were able to meet any siblings, cousins, grandparents
(etc) include information about these family members, especially write out any
exact words that they have said to or about your child (if this is
possible). If you have photos - paste in the photos (keeping the
originals in a safe place).
- Include
how/when your child came into foster care (if relevant) and any information
you know about why this decision was made. If you hesitate to share this
information your child can begin to imagine reasons "why you are hesitating"
to tell him/her, and may form false ideas about him/her self and his/her
past. Present the information in a way and using words that your child
can understand, and reframe any negative life experiences in a positive way so
you can help build your child's self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
- If you
can obtain them include photos of any foster homes and foster parents in your
child's past. Also, include photos of the courthouse and other important
places.
- If you
have copies of your child's birth certificate include a photocopy of this
(keep the original in a safe place). If you have any court papers or
other official records include these (again - keep the originals in a safe
place).
- If
something important (politically, naturally, economically, religiously etc)
was happening in Africa and/or Ethiopia when your child was born, include
photos and/or information about these events.
When your child joined your family
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
Include photos and words about the first months of your child being in your family...
- Write
about the day you met your child, when it was, where it was, who was there,
what happened. Include photos (keep the originals in a safe
place).
- Attach a
copy of the adoption certificate (keeping the original somewhere
safe).
- Write
about funny or silly situations between your child and his/her siblings,
cousins etc. Paste in photos.
- Write
about how your child and the family cat or dog got along. Include photos
of funny and/or cute situations.
How to collect information for the Life Book
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
When/if you meet your child's foster parents ask them if they can give you information about things like: developmental milestones; any illnesses or injuries or hospitalisation; ways that she/he has shown affection; what she/he does when happy or excited and cute things she/he has done; and things she/he does when frightened. Also ask about his/her friends, any nick-names she/he has gained and favourite toys and games. Ask about birthday and religious celebrations, trips that she/he has been on.
If your child is older and has
started school, ask the name of your child's teacher, what school she/he went
to, how long they went there, what was she/he learning and if there are any
report cards, paintings or writing done by your child that you can take with
you. Also find out if your child was involved in any scouting or Sunday school
groups and if she/he went on any trips or camping with these groups.
If/when you and your child later
return to Ethiopia, you might visit places that your child lived before, take
photos, maybe meet up with some extended family members.
If you have the opportunity to visit with birth relatives, ask them for permission to take photos and ask if you can video-tape or voice-record any conversations. Write down any names of birth relatives that you are told about and any information about your child and his/her parents and family history that you are told.
Age-Appropriate Uses for Life Books
Toddler to pre-school aged
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
A Life Book for a toddler or pre-school aged child would mainly contain photos and maybe a few words written in large letters.
Use simple language and avoid terminology that is more suitable for older children - for example "birth mother" and "birth father" are probably more suitable for older children, where as "your Ethiopian mum" and "your Ethiopian dad" might be easier to understand. Or you could refer to your child's birth parents by their first names.
The photos and pictures can be accompanied by
stories that you tell your child. This is a wonderful time for you to
practice telling stories and how to tell your child his/her story.
Early primary-school age
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
Your child can sit with you while you tell him/her stories to go with the pictures, and now that your child is getting older she/he can also start telling the stories associated with each picture/photo. This is a great opportunity for your chid to 'practice' talking about things that are important to him/her.
You could include written stories that you read to your child - although if you 'tell' the story rather than 'read' it to him/her, then you have a much great opportunity for you and your child to connect to each other through body language and eye contact, than you might have if your attention is on the page that you are reading. By all means - have some simple words on the page to prompt you on what to include in you story telling, and have available some things your child can touch and smell while you are telling the story - for example, a scarf or a basket that you brought back from Ethiopia. (This is possibly relevant to children of any age).
Middle to older primary-school aged
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
The detail in the stories you tell your child could change to be come more appropriate for your child's age.
How you and your child use the Life book might change. It can now be used to help your son/daughter 'practice' how to answer questions from other people. Particularly as people may ask questions that are very personal and that your child does not wish to talk about, and you and your child may be unsure why some of these people might ask such a personal question. It's important for your child to practice how to answer such questions from other people.
You might also talk with your child about who she/he is happy to tell their full story to and who she/he will tell an 'edited' version of their story to, and to whom she/he will say something like "I don't want to talk about it". You could then help your child develop his/her 'edited' version of their story and help him/her to 'practice' telling their 'edited' story.
High-school aged
The following information uses ideas and suggestions from
these websites: ComeUnity
As your child enters his/her teenager years, life experiences from when she/he was young will re-emerge. This re-emergence will help your child to work through those past experiences. The negative aspect of this, however, can be that your child's past experiences can, to him/her, feel exaggerated and she/he can feel haunted by these past experiences.
You can help your child develop skills to recognise when feelings of his/her past experiences might re-emerge, and help your child prepare him/her self for times when these past memories are likely to recur.
Having factual knowledge about what happened during those times can help your son/daughter, and this is when she/he may really need the full detailed and factual information, as well as the photos and certificates, that you compiled years ago.
Copyright: photo included on this website with the permission of the artist - please do not copy.